The day my world stopped turning.

I hate that for reasons I have to still be involved with people and in uncomfortable ways. It literally kills me. Whatever people choose or whatever in my thoughts incredibly twisted lost and very sad way of thinking that they do should be theirs and theirs alone. But, unfortunately it's just not the case given the certain things we have to face together. I feel obviously that I can't just sit back and pretend nothing happened. That for months nothing happened. But I don't know what the appropriate choice of action is. And every scenario I think of we are all losers and it affects more then the 2 it would if it was a normal situation but it's not it effects the 5 people that it would appear to given certain whatever and then more it effects an entire family and I'm sure like everything else it will trickle down and effect more people as time continues... Sometimes they say ignorance is bliss. Well I wish I didn't know what I know. I wish I was ignorant. I wish the bottom of my world hadn't fall out. That the confusion and battle for me to make the right choice, the safe choice, wasn't killing me. That I knew for sure if I was overreacting or ::shutters:: underacting. Blah.

I'm kind of a selfish person. I'll admit that. I will do anything for one of my friends loose a day a night drive you to the moon and back take care of you when you're sick whatever but I don't think I could be one of those people that said I'd die for someone and honestly mean it although there have been times when I thought I meant it. I would however do anything for my daughter (inc. dying). I'd also give up my sight or whatever if I could go back in time and fix something. But, I can't. I also might be able to forgive but I can't forget.

She Came!!!

My 24th Birthday was an ok day... I spent the morning not feeling too bright eyed and bushy tailed I felt pretty crampy. The night before I was anxious and feeling crappy and had someone stay with me. I cleaned up a little and then crashed on the sofa with no desire to do anything in the morning. But mom dragged me out and we went to Babies R Us to get my birthday present a nursing gown. :) Then we went to JCP cause I wanted to get her an Easter Dress. I was able to use one of the GC's we got from the church shower. I was pretty happy about the purchase. Then we went to B and J's. I had to show Bean her Easter dress. He called it a Princess Dress. Then he and I spent a good 30 minutes playing one of his little games on the walkway. Followed by tv shows and Bean yelling out Bojangles Banana Pants. Joyce made a yummy dinner the traditional Nancy birthday dinner of stuffed shells. Then she made her Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake mmm my mouth is already watering. It was very good. We watched a few more tv shows then Mom took me home. I was starting to feel not that great again. So I was ready for bed but I kept feeling like I had to pee and I kept trying to pee but I couldn't. I was on the phone with Mom she was telling me she'd left her phone in her car and if I needed her to call Bahnson's house and right before we hung up my water broke. . . I called the dr twice but got impatient waiting for someone to answer so I called Jeff and told him it was time. I was on the phone with the Dr and they kept asking me questions... like 10 or 12 and I only answered yes to one so I was feeling pretty crappy and I thought maybe I'd called Jeff out for nothing. But he and the Dr both told me to go ahead and go on to the Hospital. As soon as we got out of the car and I stood up. . . I knew it was time. The parking attendant was on the phone though and wasn't paying attention and had us do more walking then necesary and I wasn't too thrilled about that but I stayed in a joking mood. But when we finally got to the ER I started getting nervous. They said they had to wait for someone to walk me up thankfully it was litterally probably 2 minutes but it felt like forever. They asked me a few questions had me do a urine test and put me in a curtain "room". Once again it seemed like forever they hooked me up and said I was getting good contractions and I liked watching the little heartbeat. We got another quick ultrasound to make sure the head was down and she measured and Dr King told me it didn't look like a little baby.... 8, 8 1/2 lbs somewhere in there. They did the broken membranes test - I passed and then I waited again while they prepared a labor and delivery room for me. Called my brother to let him know so he could tell mom that it was for real this time. We got transfered into the L&D room and minutes later my mom was there I was shocked I thought I'd have to call and let her know our room #. A couple hours later I was in pain and ready for an epidural it felt like I was having contraction on top of contraction. They gave me the epidural said I was at 5 and then I went to sleep. I woke up around 6 threw up was at 9 3/4 but she wasn't down low yet.... probably half an hour later I was at 10. I pushed three times maybe 5- 15 minutes but she just wasn't dropping then... I pushed for over 4 hours. The Drs came in and said we had to choose between forceps and C section. While they were giving us time to choose the anestesiologist came in and dopped me up real good. I was puking again and I'd decided on the C section. They wheeled me in put me on the table gave me more drugs and shortly there after Jeff came in. I rememeber them talking about her being big and stuck in there and then they brought down the curtain so I could see her. I just remember how gray she looked and BIG they moved her over to the little crib thing infront of a monitor And I glanced over and looked at her on the screen and then I said I didn't want to see. I started to feel sick again and I was starting to feel the pain even though they said it would just be pressure that much pressure is pain. lol. I was squeezing the crap out of Jeff's fingers and they gave me some more pain medicine and stuff for nausea and really that's all I remember until the recovery room the nurse woke me up and Jeff was in the corner in a chair and the baby was in a hospital bassinet at the end of my bed. The nurse brought her over and let me feed her. And little Anna Claire was the cutest thing I'd ever seen I kept asking Jeff if she had all her fingers and toes and how big she was and how long... I'm still amazed to think this little girl has been growing inside me all this time!

Monkey...
Yes we sort of have a name picked out... I'm not crazy about it though. I like it but I don't LOVE it. So until she's out I'm not saying that's IT. I guess I'm going to have to wait and see her and then form my own opinion. She is supposed to be here by now if I don't go into labor by the 15th they will induce me before the 18th so it's not like she has a lot of time left if she wants to pick her own birthday.... But I'm confident she will. At least I hope :)

Used

I've been up since 4 I tried to just lay down and rest but it's impossible. I've lost respect for people. I'm just so ready to close this chapter in my life but I can't. There are some people no matter how badly you want them out they have to stay in your life. I'm not even sure how I feel about the situation. Is dead an option? I feel nothing. The one thing I can't stand is people who lie. I wish Monkey and I could go away to some island or up on some mountain and I wouldn't have deal with idiots who lie to me. I feel so used. I hate people who accuse me of something and then you turn around and realize they were the ones that were doing it and they are the asses that should rot in hades for accusing you of something that they themselves were doing. And then on top of it all they lie. Hmm.

My life is me and my daughter that's it. As long as were happy great. Other people can stay away.

Kareoke and dancing

I don't know if I spelt that right.. Hm. Hopefully. Anyway this morning I was singing and dancing up a storm. Yay. But, now, I feel nauseous. I think we're going to have to celebrate my birthday early. Incase Monkey has other plans. So I'm thinking kareoke and dancing :)

communication.

That's the key to any relationship and trust. I really don't want to be thinking about anyone right now except Monkey and having a good relationship with everyone who is intertwined with her. However, I know I can't put my life on hold either. I'm trying to accomplish a healthy relationship with people involved with Monkey and it so happens that a different relationship for just me popped up along the way. But dating is so different when you think about your daughter or what not. The more people who love her the better I guess, right? I dunno. Thankfully Brian is ok with putting the breaks on and he is all for me having Monkey be my #1 priority so why am I still hesitant? :( Blah.