Used

I've been up since 4 I tried to just lay down and rest but it's impossible. I've lost respect for people. I'm just so ready to close this chapter in my life but I can't. There are some people no matter how badly you want them out they have to stay in your life. I'm not even sure how I feel about the situation. Is dead an option? I feel nothing. The one thing I can't stand is people who lie. I wish Monkey and I could go away to some island or up on some mountain and I wouldn't have deal with idiots who lie to me. I feel so used. I hate people who accuse me of something and then you turn around and realize they were the ones that were doing it and they are the asses that should rot in hades for accusing you of something that they themselves were doing. And then on top of it all they lie. Hmm.

My life is me and my daughter that's it. As long as were happy great. Other people can stay away.

Kareoke and dancing

I don't know if I spelt that right.. Hm. Hopefully. Anyway this morning I was singing and dancing up a storm. Yay. But, now, I feel nauseous. I think we're going to have to celebrate my birthday early. Incase Monkey has other plans. So I'm thinking kareoke and dancing :)

communication.

That's the key to any relationship and trust. I really don't want to be thinking about anyone right now except Monkey and having a good relationship with everyone who is intertwined with her. However, I know I can't put my life on hold either. I'm trying to accomplish a healthy relationship with people involved with Monkey and it so happens that a different relationship for just me popped up along the way. But dating is so different when you think about your daughter or what not. The more people who love her the better I guess, right? I dunno. Thankfully Brian is ok with putting the breaks on and he is all for me having Monkey be my #1 priority so why am I still hesitant? :( Blah.

Alone?

I don't mean to complain ... I don't want people to see this and be like oh look at that girl poor little whatever (sarcastically under their breath).

I know I made my bed. I know I had two other choices. But, I made my bed and now I'm laying in it - or however that saying goes. All these lovely contractions or braxton hix or whatever they are they are making me feel incredibly alone. All the uncomfortableness/pain not being able to get comfortable. Needing help that I can't find with stupid stuff and feeling overwhelmed. I know it's no ones responsibility but my own. But that doesn't mean that I don't occasionally need help - OR well a lot over the last months ever since that darn morning sickness started ;) They told me last week I was measuring 2 weeks early but they're not going to give another ultrasound which makes me a little nervous I want to be reassured that she's not too big to deliver. I'm not sure I'm one of those people that wants to labor for 13 hours and then have the drs realize she's too big for me and then get a C section plus that when I look at possible options for people who would go into a C section with me I think the numbers dwindle down to zero. Well not that much but I dunno I'm not really confident anyone will. Part of me just wishes I could fast forward over all this labor. Just have her out. Be able to lift more then 15lbs again, do simple everyday things, get my independence back. Well the independence that comes with being a responsible mommy :) Set up some kind of structure - between her and all her monkey classes and then me and school. I guess I just have to keep reassuring myself I'm not going to be pregnant and big as a house forever and labor - if my water breaks will be no longer then 18-24 hours or 12 depending on the dr. Blah...

Nesting?

I woke up this morning ate a cereal bar. And did a "load" of dishes. I don't have a dishwasher. But I filled up the dish drain thing whatever you want to call it. Cleaned out my inbox read a lot of articles on pregnancy and parenting. I have over 500 emails about those topics... I had 600 this morning. Put the dishes away. Ate lunch. Did another batch of dishes. Cleaned out the fridge - I still need to scrub it out. Went through my plastic bags and sorted them out by stores so I could take them to their correct store for recycling. Dissenfected the sinks... Did one last load of dishes... from lunch, and what I got out of the fridge. Took out the recyables. Scrubbed out my tub, and then I realized I couln't walk my back was killing me... So I guess that's the stopping point for today. That doesn't mean I can't keep cleaning out the inbox :)

blah.

drained, emotionally exhausted. Ready for a big change. I miss Petey. . . I suddenly don't know anything anymore.