The day my world stopped turning.

I hate that for reasons I have to still be involved with people and in uncomfortable ways. It literally kills me. Whatever people choose or whatever in my thoughts incredibly twisted lost and very sad way of thinking that they do should be theirs and theirs alone. But, unfortunately it's just not the case given the certain things we have to face together. I feel obviously that I can't just sit back and pretend nothing happened. That for months nothing happened. But I don't know what the appropriate choice of action is. And every scenario I think of we are all losers and it affects more then the 2 it would if it was a normal situation but it's not it effects the 5 people that it would appear to given certain whatever and then more it effects an entire family and I'm sure like everything else it will trickle down and effect more people as time continues... Sometimes they say ignorance is bliss. Well I wish I didn't know what I know. I wish I was ignorant. I wish the bottom of my world hadn't fall out. That the confusion and battle for me to make the right choice, the safe choice, wasn't killing me. That I knew for sure if I was overreacting or ::shutters:: underacting. Blah.

I'm kind of a selfish person. I'll admit that. I will do anything for one of my friends loose a day a night drive you to the moon and back take care of you when you're sick whatever but I don't think I could be one of those people that said I'd die for someone and honestly mean it although there have been times when I thought I meant it. I would however do anything for my daughter (inc. dying). I'd also give up my sight or whatever if I could go back in time and fix something. But, I can't. I also might be able to forgive but I can't forget.

She Came!!!

My 24th Birthday was an ok day... I spent the morning not feeling too bright eyed and bushy tailed I felt pretty crampy. The night before I was anxious and feeling crappy and had someone stay with me. I cleaned up a little and then crashed on the sofa with no desire to do anything in the morning. But mom dragged me out and we went to Babies R Us to get my birthday present a nursing gown. :) Then we went to JCP cause I wanted to get her an Easter Dress. I was able to use one of the GC's we got from the church shower. I was pretty happy about the purchase. Then we went to B and J's. I had to show Bean her Easter dress. He called it a Princess Dress. Then he and I spent a good 30 minutes playing one of his little games on the walkway. Followed by tv shows and Bean yelling out Bojangles Banana Pants. Joyce made a yummy dinner the traditional Nancy birthday dinner of stuffed shells. Then she made her Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake mmm my mouth is already watering. It was very good. We watched a few more tv shows then Mom took me home. I was starting to feel not that great again. So I was ready for bed but I kept feeling like I had to pee and I kept trying to pee but I couldn't. I was on the phone with Mom she was telling me she'd left her phone in her car and if I needed her to call Bahnson's house and right before we hung up my water broke. . . I called the dr twice but got impatient waiting for someone to answer so I called Jeff and told him it was time. I was on the phone with the Dr and they kept asking me questions... like 10 or 12 and I only answered yes to one so I was feeling pretty crappy and I thought maybe I'd called Jeff out for nothing. But he and the Dr both told me to go ahead and go on to the Hospital. As soon as we got out of the car and I stood up. . . I knew it was time. The parking attendant was on the phone though and wasn't paying attention and had us do more walking then necesary and I wasn't too thrilled about that but I stayed in a joking mood. But when we finally got to the ER I started getting nervous. They said they had to wait for someone to walk me up thankfully it was litterally probably 2 minutes but it felt like forever. They asked me a few questions had me do a urine test and put me in a curtain "room". Once again it seemed like forever they hooked me up and said I was getting good contractions and I liked watching the little heartbeat. We got another quick ultrasound to make sure the head was down and she measured and Dr King told me it didn't look like a little baby.... 8, 8 1/2 lbs somewhere in there. They did the broken membranes test - I passed and then I waited again while they prepared a labor and delivery room for me. Called my brother to let him know so he could tell mom that it was for real this time. We got transfered into the L&D room and minutes later my mom was there I was shocked I thought I'd have to call and let her know our room #. A couple hours later I was in pain and ready for an epidural it felt like I was having contraction on top of contraction. They gave me the epidural said I was at 5 and then I went to sleep. I woke up around 6 threw up was at 9 3/4 but she wasn't down low yet.... probably half an hour later I was at 10. I pushed three times maybe 5- 15 minutes but she just wasn't dropping then... I pushed for over 4 hours. The Drs came in and said we had to choose between forceps and C section. While they were giving us time to choose the anestesiologist came in and dopped me up real good. I was puking again and I'd decided on the C section. They wheeled me in put me on the table gave me more drugs and shortly there after Jeff came in. I rememeber them talking about her being big and stuck in there and then they brought down the curtain so I could see her. I just remember how gray she looked and BIG they moved her over to the little crib thing infront of a monitor And I glanced over and looked at her on the screen and then I said I didn't want to see. I started to feel sick again and I was starting to feel the pain even though they said it would just be pressure that much pressure is pain. lol. I was squeezing the crap out of Jeff's fingers and they gave me some more pain medicine and stuff for nausea and really that's all I remember until the recovery room the nurse woke me up and Jeff was in the corner in a chair and the baby was in a hospital bassinet at the end of my bed. The nurse brought her over and let me feed her. And little Anna Claire was the cutest thing I'd ever seen I kept asking Jeff if she had all her fingers and toes and how big she was and how long... I'm still amazed to think this little girl has been growing inside me all this time!

Monkey...
Yes we sort of have a name picked out... I'm not crazy about it though. I like it but I don't LOVE it. So until she's out I'm not saying that's IT. I guess I'm going to have to wait and see her and then form my own opinion. She is supposed to be here by now if I don't go into labor by the 15th they will induce me before the 18th so it's not like she has a lot of time left if she wants to pick her own birthday.... But I'm confident she will. At least I hope :)

Used

I've been up since 4 I tried to just lay down and rest but it's impossible. I've lost respect for people. I'm just so ready to close this chapter in my life but I can't. There are some people no matter how badly you want them out they have to stay in your life. I'm not even sure how I feel about the situation. Is dead an option? I feel nothing. The one thing I can't stand is people who lie. I wish Monkey and I could go away to some island or up on some mountain and I wouldn't have deal with idiots who lie to me. I feel so used. I hate people who accuse me of something and then you turn around and realize they were the ones that were doing it and they are the asses that should rot in hades for accusing you of something that they themselves were doing. And then on top of it all they lie. Hmm.

My life is me and my daughter that's it. As long as were happy great. Other people can stay away.

Kareoke and dancing

I don't know if I spelt that right.. Hm. Hopefully. Anyway this morning I was singing and dancing up a storm. Yay. But, now, I feel nauseous. I think we're going to have to celebrate my birthday early. Incase Monkey has other plans. So I'm thinking kareoke and dancing :)

communication.

That's the key to any relationship and trust. I really don't want to be thinking about anyone right now except Monkey and having a good relationship with everyone who is intertwined with her. However, I know I can't put my life on hold either. I'm trying to accomplish a healthy relationship with people involved with Monkey and it so happens that a different relationship for just me popped up along the way. But dating is so different when you think about your daughter or what not. The more people who love her the better I guess, right? I dunno. Thankfully Brian is ok with putting the breaks on and he is all for me having Monkey be my #1 priority so why am I still hesitant? :( Blah.

Alone?

I don't mean to complain ... I don't want people to see this and be like oh look at that girl poor little whatever (sarcastically under their breath).

I know I made my bed. I know I had two other choices. But, I made my bed and now I'm laying in it - or however that saying goes. All these lovely contractions or braxton hix or whatever they are they are making me feel incredibly alone. All the uncomfortableness/pain not being able to get comfortable. Needing help that I can't find with stupid stuff and feeling overwhelmed. I know it's no ones responsibility but my own. But that doesn't mean that I don't occasionally need help - OR well a lot over the last months ever since that darn morning sickness started ;) They told me last week I was measuring 2 weeks early but they're not going to give another ultrasound which makes me a little nervous I want to be reassured that she's not too big to deliver. I'm not sure I'm one of those people that wants to labor for 13 hours and then have the drs realize she's too big for me and then get a C section plus that when I look at possible options for people who would go into a C section with me I think the numbers dwindle down to zero. Well not that much but I dunno I'm not really confident anyone will. Part of me just wishes I could fast forward over all this labor. Just have her out. Be able to lift more then 15lbs again, do simple everyday things, get my independence back. Well the independence that comes with being a responsible mommy :) Set up some kind of structure - between her and all her monkey classes and then me and school. I guess I just have to keep reassuring myself I'm not going to be pregnant and big as a house forever and labor - if my water breaks will be no longer then 18-24 hours or 12 depending on the dr. Blah...

Nesting?

I woke up this morning ate a cereal bar. And did a "load" of dishes. I don't have a dishwasher. But I filled up the dish drain thing whatever you want to call it. Cleaned out my inbox read a lot of articles on pregnancy and parenting. I have over 500 emails about those topics... I had 600 this morning. Put the dishes away. Ate lunch. Did another batch of dishes. Cleaned out the fridge - I still need to scrub it out. Went through my plastic bags and sorted them out by stores so I could take them to their correct store for recycling. Dissenfected the sinks... Did one last load of dishes... from lunch, and what I got out of the fridge. Took out the recyables. Scrubbed out my tub, and then I realized I couln't walk my back was killing me... So I guess that's the stopping point for today. That doesn't mean I can't keep cleaning out the inbox :)

blah.

drained, emotionally exhausted. Ready for a big change. I miss Petey. . . I suddenly don't know anything anymore.

Laughter is the best medicine sometimes.

This last week up until this morning has been an eye opener I think I knew things all along but my heart it's a silly thing and it always tries to see the best and I dunno I suppose you could call it naive. I don't like lies of any kind. Even little white lies they turn into more. . . I've been dealing with a large web of lies that someone continues to spin. If you have to lie to someone about the smallest things in the world, I don't know how you expect people to trust you. I just have to let go. It's like that country song about bad things she likes like chocolate, high heels, and a guy... and the guy is the worst of all. Oh I think there's always someone like that in someones life at one point or another. It's part of growing up, moving on, shifting through the "players, users, and haters."

I've been sitting here with my shirt rolled up to the top of my stomach watching Monkey kick and watching one of my favorite comedies (It's about football so it's probably not a super popular one - no not The Water Boy) drinking my water and laughing so hard I know Monkey probably is wondering what in the world her mommy is doing and what is so funny!

I've been thinking about Monkey's first roadtrip and her baptisim and her first Easter and her first baseball game. Her cute little St Patricks day outfit so no one pinches my super cute little Monkey, and who all I want to meet her and the countless trips we'll take, and even little things like hiking, bowling, and the grocery store with her in the little sling. In a month or so my life is going to completely change. Don't get me wrong I've thought about the 3am feedings, and the teething, and her fevers, and lots of other horrible things but it's all part of one amazing package.

Examples of love.

There are certain people I've come in contact with over my "still fairly short life" that have left great impacts upon me relationship wise about what love is. Couples who have made me stop catch my breath and say "One day... One day if I can just get a slice of what they have for each other I couldn't be anything other then happy." One of those examples is my Uncle George and Aunt Helen. When she was 13 Uncle George gave her his pocket watch at a neighborhood dance and ever since then Aunt Helen said she knew he was the one. He also brought her pieces of gum a little "present" she'd convince her other siblings to do her chores and pay them in gum lol. They married when she was 16 and still in school and he was several years her senior 6 or 8 (that's a lot when you're 16 to me!). Back then if you got married you had to quit school. So they ran off Christmas Day when their families were busy celebrating they were neighbors and celebrated the holiday together between 23 children in those two families it was easy to be forgetful of one or two. They came back and kept it a secret until she graduated that June so she could finish school. They didn't always have the luxury of living together there was the war and other things but they still kept it together. They suffered great losses (especially of their first child- who died soon after birth) but they worked hard to build a better life for themselves and their families, and the community. They took such care of each other all throughout their marriage. And Aunt Helen to this day still giggles like a school girl when I ask her to tell me about Uncle George.
Another one of those examples is Heather and Jim. Heather fought cancer went in remission fell in love with Jim, married, carried a baby, found out the cancer was back, did chemo and carried Kylie, gave birth, got a bone marrow transplant, and then sadly lost her battle. I still read her blog from time to time and yes I cry like a baby she talks about the ups and downs of her fight, the unconditional love she has for the man who she loves so much, who takes care of her, makes her laugh, and gives her courage to keep fighting. And even though she's gone Jim still loves this woman so much. It was an amazing love during Heather's life and as it still continues I can't even define it. But like I said if I could just have a slice of that.
Today as I was going through Kylie's clothes for Monkey I came across a hat that I knew Heather had put in her blog. So I typed in the familiar web address and realized there was more then just a little hat that Heather had blogged about and Jim had graciously given to me there were other clothes and familiar things in her blog too that are now among Monkeys belongings. It lifts my spirits to know how much these little articles meant to them and how they are now with me. I'm a big sentimental shmuck. I'm hoping they bring us good luck.
I can't even go on to tell you the examples of others because well it's something you'd just have to see to belive. You can't just type and try to explain it you have to see it to truly understand what it is I'm talking about - And I hope we have all found it/ or will find it.

Monkey Monkey Monkey

I had another lovely appt yesterday it went way over... :( It was 4:30 and I ended up just walking out. I did see the dr though I was just waiting to schedule my next appt. I waited 30 minutes got tired and left I'd been there over 2 hours I figure I could just call and set something up Monday. Her hb was in the 150's and my bp was 120/64. And she measured fine and I weighed in fine. When they put the little doppler on her she kicked right at it - it was cute.

These last few weeks of pregnancy I have a feeling are going to wear me down. My back was killing me last Sunday to the point where I thought my support person in my child birth class was going to have to give me their arm if they expected me to walk out of there in one piece and not be rolled out. Then I started this thing where I have this annoying numbness in another place... Blah. Between that and my occasional extremely painful backaches I'm pretty much ready to go whenever she is. lol. But I'll keep her in a little longer.

Last Sunday I had my first and last baby shower. It was amazing. I pretty much stayed quiet for fear of breaking out in tears. Lynn organized the whole thing and it was much more then I expected. Not to mention there were so many ladies I had no idea would care anything about me or monkey. It was truly a blessing and they were able to provide so many things for Monkey that I wouldn't have been able to alone.

Ugh...

I hate people. In five years I want my log or brick house in the mountains, roadtrips with my preschooler, and people to just leave me the heck alone. I can't ******* stand people who don't even know me coming into my life and telling me what to do and then telling me they're going to do such and such. SHUT UP AND RESOLVE IT OR LEAVE ME ALONE don't stress me out over stupid stuff I have no control over. A matter of fact if you'd done wth you were supposed to do in the begining I wouldn't be where I am right now.

Monkey Appt.

So my appt was ok. BP 126/80 hb in the 120's which scared me. She's always been a 150 and then when we did the ultrasound a few weeks ago 159. But they said that is normal she might be having a lazy day. . . This kid likes to drive me nuts already. :) My iron was low evidently on the 17th and they just now got around to telling me. I could have been taking supplements all that time. Ugh. I got a prescription today so I can start. I wish their office worked a little bit better so someone would have called to let me know. The dr asked me about supplements and gentic testing the genetic testing thing was something way back and I didn't know what she was talking about and then the supplements well no one told me to start! So I felt like a retard. The last thing I want to do is hurt monkey. Also this kid doesn't kick a whole lot... So I'm starting kick counts. If I don't get 6 in the 2nd hour then they'll give me a monitor. I have been gaining weight good - however I don't feel the need to post what my current weight is. lol. And I'm measuring a 32 I don't know if they meant inches when they do the thing or their saying 32 weeks. I didn't think about it till after I left so I didn't ask. She kept saying it was great though so I'm guessing I have nothing to worry about.

Also, construction has started on the route to the hospital and my drs. It made me late following all those drated detours someone assured me it wouldn't but it did. And they said several months it'd be like this so - - - I get to look forward to a detour when I go into labor. But at least I know about it now.

My classes start tomorrow. So barring no trips to get hooked up to the monitor everything has FINALLY fallen into place :)

the waiting game

Pregnancy - yuck.

Today I told myself I was going to clean again. I did. Just not as much as I'd hoped. I cleaned my kitchen did a load of laundry cleaned the bathroom and then sat down to check my cafeworld on facebook. As I was sitting down minding my own bussiness I happened to notice that there was a mouse crawling the wall of the fireplace. Now I did what I always do let out a blood curdling scream and locked myself in another room. Yes I know mice can fit under doors - do not remind me. For once I wished Petey was here to catch the little jack butt. Normally I hope those sounds aren't mice and if they are Petey doesn't catch it... So I decided I had entirely enough of this house and thought it was time to go run my errands. On my way out I did hit the self clean button on the stove so it's not like I wasted the time away from the house. I can't stay when it's on cause the smells get too strong anyway.

I had planned to go to school to figure out my last classes and call back about the last pre-monkey class I can take. But after the mouse incident I forgot my list and naturally half the things on it. I did remember to go pay my bills though and get more prenatal vitamins. I also had to get a new bra. I went out this weekend and had to keep my jacket on because I'm almost sure if anyone looked at the general area of my chest they'd be repulsed and wonder why I was disfigured. I know it's too early to get nursing bras but I figured if I had to get them soon I could just go up a size from now - then measure like you would if you were in the last month. So obviously the ones I got are big - but there still really freaking uncomfortable. I dunno I might end up returning them and trying again closer to the due date. If that's how there supposed to feel though I have no idea how I'm going to make it 6 months or a year.... let alone 6 weeks. I also got a nursing tank from walmart for $12 much better then the $20-$40 I'd have to pay elsewhere.

I also found 2 more "mommy and me" classes one is also from birth like the two I'm already signed up for and the other starts at 4 mo. Actually these last ones are for anyone I think. But I'm pretty sure it'll mostly be moms with their kids.

And now. Now my feet are swollen, my back hurts, and part of me is ready for bed now. But that'd be crazy. Maybe.